How to get San Francisco sexy: two essential tips

If you know me well – and let’s be honest, you probably do if you are reading this blog – you know that T and I moved here for one reason and one reason only, sex appeal.

Tyler and I make all of our big life decisions based on what is sexy and San Francisco went ahead and seduced us out of our life in Boulder. Now that we’ve been here all this time (read: 2 whole weeks), I feel I have gotten to the bottom of what makes this city so enticing, so irresistible.

Some may tell you it is the vast coast line of a city bordered by the ocean to the west and the bay to the north and the east. Others may convince you it is the array of hills overlooking the city and water from just about any angle you can imagine. And others, more inclined to the very, very obvious will tell you it is the bridges and their romantic aesthetics that makes people leave their hearts in this city (and I’ve maxed out that reference). But, they are all wrong. The two essentials here are: laundry and limited closet space.

When living in Boulder (the fashion capital of Boulder) I always oohed and ahed over the way that city girls could look so effortlessly chic all the time. Their layered textural fabrics and sassy riding boots, they looked casual and sophisticated. Throw in a top knot or a messy chignon and they looked absolutely runway ready. I would try the same look from time to time and the barista would give me an extra shot in my latte on the house since it “looks like someone was running a little late this morning. Oh, don’t you just love Mondays!”

But I think I’ve finally figured it out. I’ve gotten to the bottom of this and I have decided to impart my knowledge to you.

Let’s start with city girl sexy tip number one: have ZERO closet space. When every inch of your apartment is valuable real estate, closet space exists only in memory. No more heirloom boxes storing sweaters you may or may not be able to wear when they come back in style. No, you pare down until you love everything in your closet. Your other options are as follows: use past seasons’ styles as bedding in place of sheets or live like a hoarder. That’s it, you either ditch your dingy whites and stretched out leggings or live life in them like a resident of the Bargain Basement.

Unpacking our boxes I have been forced to reason with my terrible selections of clothing I’ve saved “just in case.” Faced with nowhere to keep things I don’t use daily, I had to finally admit I won’t rewear my 16 CU logo sweatshirts and ill-fitting cropped-pants. I also had to acknowledge the fact that I packed and moved those things all the way out here. All 2700 miles. We left behind our box spring for lack of space, but I was sure to bring my “Lady Eagles 2004” hoodie.

Everything I don’t love to wear has been boxed, trashed or donated leaving only my favorite items in rotation, giving them much more air time. And by the rule of limitations, it seems like an instant upgrade. I’ll be the first to admit I am still working my clumsy version of fashion, but it’s my best and brightest things at least.

Speaking of brights, that brings me to sexy tip number 2: schlep your dirty clothes to a laundromat up the hill.

I assume parking is bad in every big city, just by the simple mathematics of it all. I have found it is especially bad when you live a short walk away from a couple of the city’s high-traffic landmarks. Oh, and driving an enormous army tank Durgano is probably not a great choice for urban living. With no on-site laundry, and few parking spots within a quarter of a mile of the main street of our neighborhood, we have been relegated to carrying our hamper of clothes about 5-6 blocks to the nearest laundry spot. I repeated to myself on the walk there “The neighbors aren’t looking at you funny. This is common. They just do their laundry on Tuesdays.” But on the way back it was clear they were looking at me, it wasn’t that common, and they have magical laundry fairies to do their dirty work for them.

Carrying heavy laundry bags is not specific to San Francisco, but I’ll tell you what is: unending hills. And I don’t mean sweet rolling hills. I mean, curb-your-tires-gird-your-loins-pack-a-llama hills. I actually believe my grandma walked uphill both ways to school, because she also lived on Clayton when she was growing up. And when you are carrying your laundry up and down these hills along with the weight of the embarrassment that you still do not have your own laundry fairies, you get sexy legs. It’s a rule.

And there you have it. The two most important tips for getting city sexy. If you have closet space, parking spots and your own washer and dryer, don’t be discouraged, you can still take part. Just follow these simple steps:

  • Place everything you own into an awkward-sized wicker hamper.
  • Get dressed in your laundry-doing best (you know the outfit).
  • Place the laundry in your car and drive to the nearest YMCA.
  • Yell or do something to make everyone look at you and then crank that bad boy to a 7 incline.
  • Carry your clothes for 12-15 minutes while trying to catch the eye of everyone in the room.
  • Leave the laundry there and slip out to a cafe to reward yourself with a small cafe au lait and get $20 in all quarters before coming back to pick up the basket. Don’t look, but someone probably stole a pair of your socks.

To quote one of the great artists of our time, “I’m bringing sexy back.” You’re welcome friends.

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4 Replies to “How to get San Francisco sexy: two essential tips”

  1. I think I wore your “Lady Eagles 2004” to grandpa’s cabin for high school night, so you better not have thrown that out…for memory’s sake.

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